I have always known this, that Satan is real, but have never really experienced it in a real and tangible way, until Thailand. I had plans this time; I felt more comfortable going, more knowledgeable about the subject, more prepared to reach out, and excited to see what God would do in the red light districts!
I was not prepared for such an as in your face attack that I experienced the first night I was there. I was not going to share this cause it’s hard and even embarrassing in a way, but I feel I have too in order to be free, to be brave and not let the lie win. There are some things I will leave out because it does not need to be known to understand the gist of the attack and how it affected me and my time there.
We started ministry in the district the way we always do by doing a prayer walk up and down the streets of bars before we go into one of them. This night we split into two groups and I was on the second team. We began our walk, talked to vendor friends, tied on Jesus bracelets, and spoke of Him. We got to one of our favorite vendor booths where Justin Bieber works (calm down gals, it’s just the nickname we gave someone on the first trip!) It is a booth full of cd’s and dvd’s of various American artists. As we were informed by our other friend, 50 cent, Bieber was no longer working there, his wife had baby and works another job now, (PTL!). As we came around a second time 50 was no longer there, but a new guy was, so we stopped and chatted and he was very taken by one of our team mates by how beautiful she was (and she is!) It was really cute, he just kept saying “so beautiful! Like Jessica Alba!” So, my team leader Connie said, what is your name, we need to give you a nickname like friends! He replied, Tom, Tom Cruise! Of course I was excited about this because anyone who knows me, knows of my affection for Tom even though he is Mr. Crazy Pants! :) She joked that if he is Tom that she is Nicole Kidman because Connie is a super model and very tall apparently, I have not noticed... ;) As we chatted he told her and the team – next time you are here call me and I’ll come pick you up at airport! Connie said, really? You have taxi? Tom replied, no, friend does or I get tuk-tuk! (A tuk-tuk is like a rickshaw, but motorized.) To which Connie said, really all of us in tuk-tuk? He looked at all 6 or 7 of us and said, Yes!
Then it all took a turn down hill.
He looked at me, pointed and said, well maybe not her, she is too fat, tuk-tuk break! And laughed. And laughed.
I’ve experienced attack or opposition before or people just saying rude things in general, but this was different not just good ole fashioned name calling and my team agreed. This was like a demon talking straight to my face through this poor guy! I don’t know how else to explain it other than, it was different, evil. I don’t think my team realized what was happening or being said at first, it got very quiet and for what felt like an eternity, but was probably really only 3-4 minutes went on about “how fat I was and how come so big and too fat” etc… I think I blocked a lot out honestly. It was surreal, I stayed calm, I listened, tried to joke and not show him that it bothered me, but mostly I was trying not to crumble right there and go home. This was NOT my plan, I did not prepare for This! My team leader Connie tried graciously to rebuke him and tell him that is not right, but he did not care, he was tool and I don’t mean like a “tool” when you are calling a guy a jerk. He was a physical, tangible tool of the enemy. See Satan know my weak spots and yours and will use them if it will make us ineffective and in a way, it worked. He saw where to plunge the knife, twist it, pull it out, and repeat. He has a job to do, and that job is to sit all day and devise plans to knock us down and make us weak and useless! As we walked away, I wanted to cry, but was reminded of Job and praised God because I’m not blind to the enemy's schemes, I’m not stupid, I knew it was attack and it was just not a random occurrence, that it was Personal for me and me alone. I thanked God that it only made HIM, Jesus, more real in my life and that where I was, was dark indeed! But, no matter the grace of seeing and knowing it is attack; it left me shaken because it was evil, in my face, and real! I shut down. I’m not trying to be dramatic, really, I’m not, I’m just trying to describe the moment and feeling of what went down. There is more personal stuff in it that I’m not sharing here because it’s not needed, but I continued on with my team in prayer trying to keep my head up and smile on while asking God what do I do now? The wound was deep; it threw everything in my face and laughed! I saw Connie keep looking back on me to check and see how I was, but if we talked about it then, I would not keep it together for the rest of the night and we had not entered the bars yet. I don’t remember if my team said anything to me or not after that? I think I was just in my head and that was it, most were probably glad it was not them!
Nevertheless, I could not shake the feeling, I prayed, I wrote, I asked to remove it, but it stuck with me like a scarlet letter. I tried to just stay focused on Jesus and get through and not waste a minute of my time there! I will say that I am blessed in that I have never felt insecure about who I am because who I am, is in Christ! Yes, I have insecurities like any woman and he did not tell me anything I don’t already know, but I don’t spend a lot of time focusing on it cause it’s just not who I am, I am confident in the Lord, but Everyone who looked at me after that I felt immediately judged by and I did not know what to do with that… It changed my countenance a bit for the rest of the time even though I tried to let it go. I did not talk about it in our debrief meeting, I did not tell my roommate, at one point Connie told me, just so you know, I disagree with him 100%, but we really did not talk about it and for whatever reason, “Jesus knows!” ;) i know my team had my back! The next night we were going to another district and as we took the trains to get there, I of course could not shake the feeling that encounter left me with. One of my sweet teammates came up behind me and said, Rae I don’t know why, but I just feel God wants me to tell you that you are stunning! I said, really? Thank you, and asked her, were you on my team last night or the other team? She said the other. I said, oh, so you don’t know what happened? She replied, no…? So I shared a bit and thanked her for her kind word. My two team leaders and friends, both told me at different points, just so you know, I think you are stunning! There is that Word again, I thought… Then I realized that day before the incident happened another teammate said to me, I have been meaning to tell you all day that I just think you are stunning! To all I replied with thanks. Strange God kept using this particular word, I’m not sure I had ever been called stunning in my life and now in the span of a week I had heard it 4 times, various ways, from different people!
Sadly, I think I fully realized this too late for that trip, but THIS, is what my Jesus spoke to me, “my daughter, my bride, the world does not see you the way I see you! They see your flaws and shortcomings, and all that you are not, but I see into your heart and YOU ARE STUNNING!” I would expect nothing less from my God, to take what the world does not see and understand and call her Stunning! I was made for my Jesus and that is the only thing I need!
I never saw Tom again. I was not sure if I wanted too, but I was willing. I heard later Connie spoke to him again, but all I can do is pray for him. This is the reality of the battle we are in; Satan will find your weak spot and fight to make you useless! I lost sight of that and God graciously gave me new insight! It does not change my heart for Thailand or take away the desire to go back, if anything, it makes the desire stronger because I’ve realized the girls in the bars face judgment from men and people every day and my Jesus wants to tell them they are Stunning and loved as they are, that they fearfully and wonderfully made! He may just even use me to do that!
